I'm talking about really DOING something, and doing it until it's done. Things like finishing school with a degree that I'm interested in or pursuing a career that takes me outside of my home. Now, I know that education and a career don't define a person or even give them any additional value of some kind, but they do represent success in the form of starting and finishing something. Risk taking. Trying, failing, dreaming, and trying again.
The things I've done in my life are very important things... but they are things that were thrust upon me. I have proven that I have the ability and fortitude to "rise to the challenge" when difficult circumstances land in my lap. This I know of myself. I won't give up or run away when the hammer drops or the battle rages long. What I don't know of myself is whether I can choose of my will to change my circumstances. Can I act, or will I simply fall back on the comfort of reacting?? I am awesome at reacting.
But there is a bend in the road up ahead, and I don't know what is around the corner. My children are growing up and will soon leave my house for lives and futures of their own. They will pursue dreams and I will be left at home. I am not sad at the thought of them leaving, for I know this is the natural progression of life and I am excited to see whom they will become. I encourage them to leave... to dream, to grow, to love, to try... No, I am not sad to be left. But I fear that my own ability to dream and to try was stunted along the way somehow. I believe that my children can do anything, be anything they want to be... but I'm afraid I've lost that same belief for myself.
What is a 36 year old woman to do... who has never finished college, or had a career, or even paid her own bills?? How does this woman even find a place to begin?? The world around me is moving so fast and there are so many others with such vast "experience" and important-sounding bullet points to paste onto their resumes. It is daunting and intimidating and then couple that with my natural tendency toward procrastination and what happens?? I end up closing the front door, pouring a cup of coffee and curling up on the couch with a book. My couch isn't threatening. My couch doesn't look better on paper than I do. My couch is warm and safe and easy and willing. I could spend the rest of my life on my couch. And that scares me to death!!
So what is the bigger fear... the fear of doing something, even if it's silly, wrong, or short-lived... or the fear of doing nothing?? And actually, now that I think about it... that is the wrong question to ask. Because I don't want to live my life based on fear of any kind! How bout this... what is the greater JOY?? Stepping out into the world to learn what I can and offer what I might? Or stay at home, enjoying my couch, my coffee and my books and relishing the triumphs of my children? Is it possible to celebrate their successes as I'm forging a few of my own??
No, I still don't know where to begin. I still don't know what I have to offer the world or even how to try. But maybe the first step starts on the couch... I'll sit down with my coffee and pick up a good book, an old favorite... "The Little Engine That Could". And I'll read the words of that sweet little engine, who was smaller than all the rest and facing a huge mountain... "I think I can..."
Start by packing the bathroom, then move on to the rest. :)
ReplyDeleteYou know here is the way to start. It may sound selfish but in reality it isn't. I am sure you have always been surrounded by great people. I am sure they friends, family, children and your husband. Well with this little advice it will give you the ability to do whatever you want and when you want. So here it is take yourself out to dinner. Not with others and go to a nice restaurant and sit in a booth alone. Enjoy your nice meal and watch others as you eat. This will accomplish a couple of things you will find that the people around you mean alot more than you ever thought they did and it will give you the sense that you don't need someone to accomplish something. The next one is vital. Take yourself out on a date alone. Go to a movie that you want to see. Doing these two things alone will give you appreciation for accomplishing a couple of tasks on your own. Then when others do go with you it is going to be nice to have that company. Now after you have done those find your local community college and get the outline for their classes. Not the 2 or 4 year classes but the Adult Extended Education classes and pick just one dont load yourself down just one and follow through on just that ONE. When you have done these 3 simple tasks you will be set for the rest of your life on stepping out and doing what you want Amy. This is stuff that I did after my divorce of 13 years. Had I done this while I was married I probably would have never been in divorce court. Just remember no one can make you complete. Not your kids, husband or friends or family. You have to complete yourself. Your an amazing woman with an amazing heart and God will allow you to do anything you want as long as you want it.
ReplyDeleteJames