Doubt, Fear and Garbanzo Bean Curry

I have a friend who is a great cook.

I recently spent a long weekend in Sunriver with 4 families and this friend, Steve, did all of the cooking the entire weekend! He used a blender to puree the sautéed vegetables to make a sauce for his Puerto Rican food. He wrapped asparagus spears in thin slices of salami (or some kind of round meat) before he drizzled them with something wonderful, sprinkled them with something delicious, and then roasted them until they were perfect... and this was just ONE side dish. At the same time he was pulsing chunks of bread in the blender to make fresh crumbs for the hamburger patties... which were also mixed with fresh garlic, spices, and eggs and then stuffed with Dubliner cheese!! And because we still, apparently, needed a salad... he cubed and toasted the french bread for fresh croutons and prepared a balsamic "reduction" for the dressing.

Needless to say... we ate like royalty all weekend. It was amazing! And I'm convinced that every "dish" I attempt to make from here on out will simply suck in comparison. Tragic, but true. (My culinary skills are limited to chili, spaghetti, pulled pork sandwiches made in the crockpot with bottled barbeque sauce, eggs, and a few soups.)

So, I saw Steve again this past weekend and asked his wife if he ever makes curry. Apparently yes, often, and very well. So I ask Steve if he will teach me to make a decent curry (I'm envisioning chunks of meat and vegetables, a sauce made from some yellow powder, and rice) and Steve says Yes... that's a great idea! "How bout we take a Curry class??" A class?? But I thought we were just going to hang out in Steve's kitchen... Doug and I, Steve and Heidi and a couple bottles of wine?? Sounds like "class" to me!

Then today I get this email... titled "Curry Class". And there's a link to a site called "In good taste" with a list of cooking classes held in either Lake Oswego or the Pearl District. Steve has found our Curry Class and sent me the menu... (it's $95 per person, by the way)...

Hands on Complex Curries Simplified
with Leena Ezekiel

The festive season has begun in India, starting with Durga Puja which is one of the most celebrated festivals in Bengal, Orissa and Assam.Leena will share her favorite festive dishes, going back to her childhood,while demystifying the complex cuisine of her homeland.

Lamb Rogan Josh
Cubes of lamb cooked in a rich and spicy tomato/yogurt sauce

Palak Paneer
Homemade cubes of paneer cheese in a spinach sauce

Sarso Bata
Fish steamed in a mustard curry sauce

Allo Matter
Curried potato and peas

Chana Masala
Garbanzo bean curry

Pooris
Deep fried Indian puffy breads

Basmati Rice with Whole Aromatic Spices

Ummmm... yeah. Can you possibly imagine how intimidating this is for me??? I mean, this food sounds AMAZING, but I've never even heard most of those words!! It's like a 9 year old Little League baseball player being invited to spend the day practicing with the Yankees! "Make sure you glove up Son, we're putting you at shortstop!" Holy cow!! Could my shortcomings BE more on display???

So... now I have a choice...

Do I bow out gracefully, claiming financial hardship? Or do I suck it up and realize that I've gotta start somewhere, and it just might be fun? And maybe I won't be the only insecure novice in the group? And maybe I'll gain just a tiny bit of confidence in the kitchen? And most likely I'll have a great evening doing something new and different with my husband and our friends??

You know... I continue to travel even though I hate to fly because I refuse to limit my life's experiences due to fear. Here is a new experience knocking at my door... What's the worst that can happen?? My puffy breads end up flat, my cubes of lamb taste like shoe leather. Maybe I spill wine or cut my finger. But maybe... just maybe... I conquer a small bit of my kitchen-phobia, make a great meal, and gain the courage to try it again! Or, heaven forbid, throw a fabulous Indian-inspired dinner party of my own someday!!

My life is ending and I don't know where to begin...

I've never done much of anything. I mean, I've stayed married for over 15 years and I've raised three children to adolescence, but I've never done much of anything just for ME. Or, rather, I've never pursued and accomplished anything just for me. I'm very good at things like "taking time for myself" or indulging in leisure activities, but that's not what I'm talking about here.

I'm talking about really DOING something, and doing it until it's done. Things like finishing school with a degree that I'm interested in or pursuing a career that takes me outside of my home. Now, I know that education and a career don't define a person or even give them any additional value of some kind, but they do represent success in the form of starting and finishing something. Risk taking. Trying, failing, dreaming, and trying again.

The things I've done in my life are very important things... but they are things that were thrust upon me. I have proven that I have the ability and fortitude to "rise to the challenge" when difficult circumstances land in my lap. This I know of myself. I won't give up or run away when the hammer drops or the battle rages long. What I don't know of myself is whether I can choose of my will to change my circumstances. Can I act, or will I simply fall back on the comfort of reacting?? I am awesome at reacting.

But there is a bend in the road up ahead, and I don't know what is around the corner. My children are growing up and will soon leave my house for lives and futures of their own. They will pursue dreams and I will be left at home. I am not sad at the thought of them leaving, for I know this is the natural progression of life and I am excited to see whom they will become. I encourage them to leave... to dream, to grow, to love, to try... No, I am not sad to be left. But I fear that my own ability to dream and to try was stunted along the way somehow. I believe that my children can do anything, be anything they want to be... but I'm afraid I've lost that same belief for myself.

What is a 36 year old woman to do... who has never finished college, or had a career, or even paid her own bills?? How does this woman even find a place to begin?? The world around me is moving so fast and there are so many others with such vast "experience" and important-sounding bullet points to paste onto their resumes. It is daunting and intimidating and then couple that with my natural tendency toward procrastination and what happens?? I end up closing the front door, pouring a cup of coffee and curling up on the couch with a book. My couch isn't threatening. My couch doesn't look better on paper than I do. My couch is warm and safe and easy and willing. I could spend the rest of my life on my couch. And that scares me to death!!

So what is the bigger fear... the fear of doing something, even if it's silly, wrong, or short-lived... or the fear of doing nothing?? And actually, now that I think about it... that is the wrong question to ask. Because I don't want to live my life based on fear of any kind! How bout this... what is the greater JOY?? Stepping out into the world to learn what I can and offer what I might? Or stay at home, enjoying my couch, my coffee and my books and relishing the triumphs of my children? Is it possible to celebrate their successes as I'm forging a few of my own??

No, I still don't know where to begin. I still don't know what I have to offer the world or even how to try. But maybe the first step starts on the couch... I'll sit down with my coffee and pick up a good book, an old favorite... "The Little Engine That Could". And I'll read the words of that sweet little engine, who was smaller than all the rest and facing a huge mountain... "I think I can..."